Articles and Advice

How to Talk to Kids About the Death of Their Loved Ones

Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences a person can go through in life. But what’s even harder is explaining the gravity of that loss to someone who may not be familiar with death: children.

Sometimes it takes a village. Other times, it just takes one person with patience and time to sit down and talk it through with your child. We hope this guide on how to talk to kids about death can make that conversation a little easier for you.

How to Start the Conversation

Starting might be the hardest part. After all, you are dealing with your own grief and emotions on the subject, and now you have to calmly explain the tragic news to a child—someone who may not have a lot of experience with losing a loved one.

So make it easier for yourself. To start the conversation, try to be as simple and direct as possible.

For example, you may begin by saying, “I have some sad news. [Your loved one] died today.”

That’s it. Don’t try to sugarcoat it, just tell them the facts. And don’t use phrases like “passed away,” or “is no longer with us” when initiating the conversation. You want your child to understand that your loved one is gone. You don’t have to go into the details. Just tell them that they’re gone, and any nuance can be addressed as the conversation continues.

How to Continue the Conversation

Now that you’ve breached the subject, we can get more into how to talk to kids about death. Every kid is different, so there’s no way to know how long the conversation will be. Don’t try to truncate or prolong the conversation—you’ve just told them some very impactful information that’s full of emotion, so let them process it as they wish.

If a longer conversation does unfold, try to follow some of these approaches.

Listen and Empathize

Your child may have a lot of questions. Or they may be so caught off guard by the information you’ve just shared that they remain silent. However the conversation unfolds, listen to what they have to say. And we don’t just mean to listen to their side of the conversation. Try to listen to what they’re really trying to say. 

For example, your child may say they’re fine and understand that someone has passed on, but there might be a quiver in their voice. Or maybe you even hear a tone of anger. You can use these observations to steer the conversation and try to address their true emotions.

Answer Their Questions

Children often struggle with the concept of death—especially if they are first introduced to it when someone close to them dies. As such, they’ll probably have a lot of questions for you.

Do your best to answer their questions. You can also look for resources to help. For example, if your loved one is being cremated, your child may have some questions related to that process. In that case, you can reference our frequently asked questions about cremation to help you provide the answers.

How To Approach Religious Beliefs

If your child asks about life after death, there could be a lot of nuance to this question. Even if your family is religious and believes in the concept of heaven, this could still be a foreign concept to your child. So, you can take this opportunity to explain religious beliefs in simple terms, like “life after death.” 

Not every family is religious or believes in an afterlife. Whatever your belief system, help your child understand the realities of death: They’ve lost someone, and it’s okay to grieve that loss.

You Won’t Always Have an Answer

Some questions are easy. “How did they die?” That has a direct answer. But not every question will have a simple answer. Don’t make one up when you don’t know the truth. Death is surrounded by uncertainty, and it’s okay to embrace that when talking to children.

Tell Them What May Change

If the departed had a consistent presence in your child’s life, there may be some significant changes. 

Maybe their piano teacher is the one who passed. In that case, you’ll have to tell your child that they will no longer be taking lessons from them. Or maybe the departed is a grandparent who used to pick them up from school. You’ll need to inform your child who will pick them up from now on.

A death in the family may also mean you have additional responsibilities now—there’s a lot to do after a death. You need to communicate that with your child. For example, if the departed was a family member living in another state or country, you may need to leave for a few days or a week to help your extended family prepare for a memorial service.

Show Your True Emotions—It’s Okay

These are tender times. While being calm when first broaching the subject of death with your child ensures they understand what you’re telling them, that doesn’t mean you have to be stoic throughout the entire conversation.

If you do feel tears coming, explain to your child why you’re crying. Tell them that it’s okay to feel sad or overwhelmed when someone close passes on. After all, this may be the first time one of their loved ones died, but it’s something they will likely experience many times over.

Talk About the Funeral/Memorial Service

Bring up the funeral or memorial service and tell your child they can go if they want. Don’t force them to go/not go—but communicate that going to such an event can often help children and adults find closure.

How to Support Your Child Through Their Grief

That conversation may have been difficult for you, but it is not a one-time discussion. Your child will likely feel a range of emotions over the next weeks or months after you break the news to them. So here are some tips on how to help a grieving child during this difficult time.

Help Them Focus on The Future

“Life moves on, and we’re going to be okay.” This is the essence of how to keep hope alive during these difficult times. So while you may encourage your child to embrace the emotions they feel, help them understand that this too shall pass.

Help your child think about things they are excited about for the future. Maybe they have a friend’s birthday party coming up, or the family is about to go on vacation. Whatever it may be, make sure they are focused on the good—not bogged down by the unpleasant aspects of life.

Don’t Make Them Feel Bad About Their Emotions

You never know how a child will react to the news of death. The child won’t know how they will react to the news, either—this is likely one of the first times they’ve had to experience it. As such, you should be prepared for any type of reaction, whether that’s crying for two weeks straight or seeming unfazed and emotionless.

Whatever their emotional reaction, don’t belittle their feelings or make them feel bad about how they feel. For example, you may be tempted to tell them to get over it if they seem sad for an extended time. Instead, try to figure out why they are so sad. Again, you can help them focus on the good in life.

As time passes, you should periodically continue the conversation about your loved one with your child. This can be a way to check in on their emotional state and help you understand how they’ve processed the death.

Find the Right Emotional Support

Hopefully, this guide has helped you learn how to talk to children about death and support them through their grief. But remember, you need plenty of support as well. Look to family and friends for emotional support so you can find comfort and solace during this time—and so you can be strong for the little ones looking to you.

You should also look for a disposition service that makes your life and memorial service preparations easier. If you have any questions about how All California Cremation can do that for you, don’t hesitate to give us a call. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you may have.